Voldemort the Llama: The Untold Story
by nony0mous
Summary: After being killed by Harry Potter, the Dark Lord was whisked away and turned into a llama...


Inspired by Ron the Cow by **_Haylis_**

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><p><strong>Help!<strong>

**The Penguins are after me again!**

**This time... this time, they're going to freeze me and drink me in a cocktail!**

**All because I don't own Harry Potter!**

**Oh no! Now they have the Order of the Llamas too!**

**Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!...!**

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><p>Stop there.<p>

Yes, I'm talking to YOU.

I am risking my life to tell you this story, so listen.

This is the untold story of Voldemort the Llama.

It all started when Voldemort was a baby – if you could ever imagine Voldemort as a baby.

So imagine that you are a llama, and you find a baby.

What's your first thought?

You want to eat it, of course.

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><p>The stomach of a llama isn't actually a stomach.<p>

It's a wormhole to a different dimension, of course.

The dimension of Lla Lla Llamaland.

Now, baby Voldemort – not baby Tom Riddle, mind you, because Voldemort is a completely different person – was, even at six months old, a very annoying person. The Llama president, Llamandy Llamamall, wanted to get rid of this pesky human. But every time they tried to put him back where he belonged – in the stomach of a llama – the llama would vomit Voldemort right up! The Llamas hated the flavor of Slytherins.

President Llamamall pondered for a long time what he was going to do with this _thing_. For many years, he studied the darkest arts of Llamagic. This was not a very good idea, because Voldemort liked crawling out of his crib and ripping out pages in The Big Book of Dark Llamagic for Baby Humans. Voldemort later used this magic to fly. You see, flying is a natural gift of llamas – but they don't like to show off in front of the humans.

Finally, Llamamall found out what he needed to do. He cast a complicated spell that would send Voldemort back to the Dimension of Idiotic Humans. There were side effects, of course. Voldemort would have a scar on his arm in the shape of a llama eating a snake, and should he ever die, he would be reincarnated as a llama. But that was Voldemort's problem. And what happened afterwards to Llamamall? He was honored in the Llama Hall of Fame, and every year he would be treated as the hero of the Great War of the Annoying Human as llamas across Lla Lla Llamaland celebrated the holiday of Voldemort Is Finally Gone Forever Day.

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><p><em>He pointed the wand very carefully into the boy's face: He wanted to see it happen, the destruction of this one, inexplicable danger. The child began to cry: It had seen that he was not James. He did not like it crying, he had never been able to stomach the small ones whining in the orphanage -<em>

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

_And then he broke: He was nothing, nothing but pain and terror, and he must hide himself, not here in the rubble of the ruined house, where the child was trapped and screaming, but far away..._

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><p>And Voldemort awoke.<p>

His head was pounding – he had just experienced death for the first time. It was actually pretty fun once you got over the fact that it hurt. But now he was back, so he may as well make do with it. He tried to scratch his head – only his arm wouldn't come to his head. He looked down to see why and was shocked by the answer – though you know what happened. He wasn't Voldemort anymore – he was Voldemort the Llama!

_Dun dun dun!_

And now that Voldemort looked around, he discovered that he was indeed in a place far away from Potter – he was in a most despicable place, a place that sent even the Lord of Evil shivers down his spine...

California.

_Dun dun dun!_

And worse, he was locked up in a zoo.

_Dun dun dun!_

Who's making the _Dun dun dun!_? It's getting really annoying!

_Dun dun dun!_

So Voldemort set out on a new mission... to find out who was making the _Dun dun dun!_!

_Dun dun dun!_

Voldemort used the Llamagic he remembered ever since he was a baby and blasted his way out of the llama pen... into the snake pen.

_Dun dun dun!_

And in the middle of the snake pen... was Nagini the snake.

And...

Wait, there was no _Dun dun dun!_! Where was the _Dun dun dun!_?

_Dun dun dun!_

Oh, there it is.

Anyway, Voldemort decided he liked big, venomous snakes, so he decided to keep Nagini as a pet.

One day, while he was walking the snake (and yes, llamas can walk snakes), Voldemort heard something.

_Dun dun dun!_

No, really, that's what he heard: _Dun dun dun!_.

Voldemort remembered his mission to find out where the _Dun dun dun! _was coming from. So he went off and found out that it was coming from Lla Lla Llamaland. How he knew this, I have no idea, but he just _knew_, like a human knows someone just epically failed.

So Voldemort stuffed himself into another llama's mouth – this one named Carlos – and traveled to Lla Lla Llamaland.

_Dun dun dun!_

_DUN DUN DUN!_

_DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN!_

The _Dun dun dun!_s were getting louder!

_Dun dun dun!_

And suddenly Voldemort was back in Lla Lla Llamaland. And so why were there so many _Dun dun dun!_s?

Because it was _Dun dun dun! _Day, of course!

_Dun dun dun!_

Voldemort was angry. He had come all the way to Lla Lla Llamaland for this?

_Dun dun dun!_

Stop it! I can't take it anymore, there are too many _Dun dun dun!_s!

_Dun dun dun!_

And then the Llamas realized something was wrong.

_Dun dun dun!_

And they looked... and they saw that Voldemort was back!

_Dun dun dun!_

All of the llamas started panicking. Even President Llamamall didn't know what to do.

_Dun dun dun!_

Voldemort had so much fun lighting llamas on fire. Seriously, lighting llamas on fire is really fun. You should try it some time.

All hope was lost. There was nothing any llama could do. But then there was a WOOSH! And with that WOOSH brought...

Carlos the llama!

Carlos started headbutting Voldemort like a bull headbutts Voldemort. The other llamas stopped running around in circles and screaming like little human girls and started cheering on Carlos.

And with one final headbutt, Voldemort was knocked away, into a place almost as despicable as California, and more malevolent...

Albania.

_Dun dun dun!_

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><p><strong>I would love to say that I wrote this in honor of Llama Appreciation Day, but unfortunately, that was 4 days ago.<strong>

**(Seriously, Google _Llama Appreciation Day_. There actually is one.)**

**I actually wrote this because of the wonderful Haylis, who wrote the story Ron the Cow. Thank you for the inspiration!**

**So now you can review!**

**Thank you!**

_**Dun dun dun!**_


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